Confessions about...Fears

I have a confession. I am extremely shy. That may come as a shock to some of you, as I am always talking about being bold, having faith, and stepping out. Unfortunately, I am the biggest fraud out there. I don’t like being in the spotlight or generating a lot of attention. Matter of fact, I am quite comfortable with helping others in the background and letting others take the lead. I’ll uplift, plan, and coordinate, set-up and clean-up, etc. as long as I am not the person in front. My greatest joy really is helping others succeed and improve in order for them to become better. However, I have recently been shoved into the spotlight in multiple arenas in my life, and I am scared. One of my friends, who is extremely excited for me, asked me what the problem was.  Why was I so afraid? Why the lack of enthusiasm? And I couldn’t answer. I don’t know why the hesitation or the uneasiness.

As I began to dig deeper, I ruminated on days that I either walked away or gave in to pressure because I didn’t want to cause trouble or disturb the peace. I kept my mouth shut. I would let people walk all over me. Rule me. Rule what I thought about me.  In a sense, I had Stockholm syndrome, except, I was the captor and the victim. I would force myself to stay bottled up, building a wall that made me lack confidence in myself and trust in anyone who tried to push me beyond it. Afraid to be venerable. Afraid to be different. Afraid to stand out. Afraid to be me.

And therein lies my fear. I am a fraud. I am not who I say or portray to be. I am shattered glass, holding form but prone to break at any given minute. I wasn’t born this way. I was shaped into it. Life, the world, beat me down, and now God is pushing me up. It can’t be any other force, as I am assured, the captor in me fights to remain this way.
 
I have reason to be shy. I've been hurt plenty. Ethel Waters