I Just Don't Get It

I’ve always wanted someone to love me. You know, like the love you see in movies...the guy locks eyes with the unattainable beautiful girl in the room and from that moment, he does everything he can to make her fall in love with him (even if the world is coming to an end and they just met like two minutes ago).  It’s the standard Hollywood script. I haven’t seen too many movies without this hapless love scenario (not even in foreign films). Who knows, maybe I’m watching the wrong movies, but whatever it’s annoying and I digress. Yes, a love sort of like that. Where the guy is willing to slay dragons, move mountains and face insurmountable danger just for a passionate peck on the lips.

A girl can always dream, can’t she? My grandmother told me earlier today if I dream, make sure I dream big…leave nothing to chance because it just may happen. However, she was actually talking about winning the lottery so, back to square one. When will it ever be my turn for such a sweet romance? Not one that ends once the credits roll and everyone goes home. Not one that fizzles and burns at the next obstacle or disagreement. One that is patient and strong, kind and forgiving. One that makes me feel that I can fly and gives me wind to do it.  It must be just a little too much to ask for nowadays as it’s easier to hire a personal chef than to expect someone to go beyond measure to hand you toilet paper when the stall is empty much less take the time to speak or get to know you.

So what’s a girl to do…go to every bar dressed like Beyoncé? Or possibly get caught in a game of Catfish? Not exactly sure that’s my thing. I’m like a mix between Adele, Taylor Swift, Lady Gaga, and Mary J. Blige…not slim, fun-loving, a little quirky, and always real but collectively an awesomely amazing person (as my friend once told me). Far from being lonely or desperate, I wonder for the days when I can share the adventure called life with someone and no longer capture the sunset of my days in a 'selfie'. I want an ‘us-sie’! Unfortunately, [here’s my problem statement] I’m afraid to be vulnerable or give any indication of weakness.  Deep down, I really do need help, yet, I will silently fight on my own even when it hurts. I give the appearance of strength as an overcomer because I can’t bear to think of myself as a fraud if I break down, cry, and ask for help.

How can anyone live like that, much less expect to be loved? I don’t know. I know for certain that I can’t carry the world on my shoulders. I’m just me and truth be told…I am weak. I can’t open up. I can’t let anyone into my heart. And if I am brutally honest with myself, most of my past relationships have been half-truths because my heart wasn’t fully engaged. Nonetheless, I expect that my Prince Charming will swoop down and love me regardless of what I give. And that’s not fair. I just don’t get it. What am I so afraid of…previous results OR the real me?  
 
Often, it’s not about becoming a new person, but becoming the person you were meant to be, and already are, but don’t know how to be.” ~ Heath L. Buckmaster